Like the rest of the world, Russia faces Year Two-Thousand "bug" problems. The rest of the world however, particularly the United States, seems to have grave concerns for Russia's Y2K situation. Many feel that the Russian government has not done enough to prepare their country of 150 million for the changeover to the year 2000. Fears range from simple power outages to accidental launch of Russian warheads. Whatever happens, the Russians are fucked.

Some of the problems that face Russia, and the rest of the world, as it turns over to the next millennium include: food, energy, and water shortages, telecommunications and machinery shutdowns, nuclear reactor meltdowns, and the possibility of an accidental nuclear war.

The worries are small among Russian officials that any of the countries nuclear reactors will fail when the clock strikes midnight on January 1st, 2000. One Russian interviewed by D.M.S. felt differently. Wishing to remain nameless, this Russian was a victim of the 1986 nuclear reactor explosion in Chernobyl, the worlds worst civil nuclear disaster. "My hands are gigantic. My balls da size of basketballs. Them son-of-bitch wreck my life! Moderfuckers. I can't sleep, I glow all night long. My huge testicles and I have revenge on dem mother bastards." said the Russian (in a thick Russian accent).

Another possible scenario comes form a Russian system that was unknown to the West until 1993. The Perimeter "Dead Hand" system was designed to automatically launch the entire Russian nuclear arsenal if Moscow was destroyed. Three steps must occur before "Dead Hand" can be carried out. The first step is that Russian commanders must activate the system. Then there must be a total communications cut off. Finally, sensors must indicate nuclear explosions in and around Moscow. Sounds like a system of pure genius. But remember, that's Russian genius, so its not saying much. "Dead Hand" is more sophisticated than the original Russian emergency launch system, "Mother Russia." With "Mother Russia," an early Global Position System (G.P.S.) would track the airspace for enemy war heads. If the G.P.S. picked up incoming war heads and electrical impulse would be sent to a hammer that would swing down pounding a group of springs. This would then send a sickle flying down cutting through a string, which is attached at one end to a small bar and at the other to a cork. The force of the sickle's motion would be so great as to pull the cork of of a bottle releasing a steady flow of Vodka into a glass. The glass sits ontop of a scale. The Vodka continues to pour into the glass, eventually reaching a predetermined weight. Once the weight of the glass and Vodka reach this weight, a microprocessor will send out a signal to a computer which will in turn launch the entire Russian nuclear arsenal. The "Mother Russia" system, by eliminating the necessary presence of Russian commanders and computer geeks, allowed those very same Russian commanders to enjoy a last glass of Vodka on planet earth. And then another. And another. KABOOM! Their dead.

The Soviet Union decommissioned "Mother Russia" in favor of the "Dead Hand" system for safety reasons, and because they didn't want to see good Vodka go to waste if the whole world was about to end. Because of the millennium "bug" however, "Dead Hand's" weaknesses have also been revealed. If Russian commanders decide to activate "Dead Hand" on or before New Years Eve then the first step is complete. Then the year 2000 arrives shutting down the Russian communications. Step two is complete. Finally, Y2K bugs put out incorrect information, falsely informing the system that Moscow had been under attack. The entire Russian nuclear arsenal is launched, and the world is over. So the "Dead Hand" is only good for beating off the "Dead Cock."

Many Americans are surprised and even shocked to hear many Russian people are not concerned about possible Y2K problems such as water and energy shortages. But Americans must remember that this is a country accustomed to dealing with water supply breaks, power outages, dead phone lines, and transportation problems on a regular basis. Plus, they're drunk. Russians laugh at how Americans, particularly Southern Californians, get into a panic frenzy if a rain storm is headed their way. "They run like sissies into their GAP!" said one Russian we interviewed.

Russian President Boris Yeltsin didn't address the possible Y2K problems until June when he "instructed" government agencies to make preventive and contingency planning a priority. Yeltsin then returned to his home where he continues to be in a drunken stupor. Alexander Manoshkin, the man left in charge of coordinating the Russian government's Y2K commission, says each agency, each with limited funds, must use its own limited funds to address its Y2K problems with limited funds. Officials in the Russian federal government say the government will find additional money for the Security and Defense ministries. No they won't. The Security and Defense ministries are responsible for domestic and international security issues, as well as Russia's nuclear weapons.

Trying to attract customers, a Moscow warehouse (not the music store Americans) advertised its Y2K readiness. However, the owners of the warehouse had not purchased backup generators to keep the refrigeration operating if there is a Y2K blackout. The owners responded to this problem by saying "No Problem," keeping in mind that the average temperature is,...really fucking cold in the Moscow January. "We'll just open the doors." Oh my, oh my, oh my. Thank God for Russian intelligence.

United States and Russian governments have been trying for some time to come to an agreement on a plan to prevent an accidental nuclear war at the stroke of the new millennium. The agreement will place U.S. and Russian generals and admirals, as well as U.S. and Russian nuclear weapons officers in a command center in Colorado. Scheduled to go into operation on December 27, the Center for Y2K Strategic Stability aims to eliminate any possibility of Russians thinking an American attack is under way if their early warning computer systems crash, or malfunction as a result of the Y2K "bug." Russians will bring the Vodka, and American military officers, most of which grew up in the backwater hick towns of the South, will bring the whiskey. It will be a grand New Years full of homosexual overtones.

In conclusion. Is there really a conclusion warranted here? Well, ok, I shall bullshit this........................................................................................................Ok, nevermind. I'm gonna get drunk now.

Like the rest of the world, Russia faces Year Two-Thousand "bug" problems. The rest of the world however, particularly the United States, seems to have grave concerns for Russia's Y2K situation. Many feel that the Russian government has not done enough to prepare their country of 150 million for the changeover to the year 2000. Fears range from simple power outages to accidental launch of Russian warheads. Whatever happens, the Russians are fucked.

Some of the problems that face Russia, and the rest of the world, as it turns over to the next millennium include: food, energy, and water shortages, telecommunications and machinery shutdowns, nuclear reactor meltdowns, and the possibility of an accidental nuclear war.

The worries are small among Russian officials that any of the countries nuclear reactors will fail when the clock strikes midnight on January 1st, 2000. One Russian interviewed by D.M.S. felt differently. Wishing to remain nameless, this Russian was a victim of the 1986 nuclear reactor explosion in Chernobyl, the worlds worst civil nuclear disaster. "My hands are gigantic. My balls da size of basketballs. Them son-of-bitch wreck my life! Moderfuckers. I can't sleep, I glow all night long. My huge testicles and I have revenge on dem mother bastards." said the Russian (in a thick Russian accent).

Another possible scenario comes form a Russian system that was unknown to the West until 1993. The Perimeter "Dead Hand" system was designed to automatically launch the entire Russian nuclear arsenal if Moscow was destroyed. Three steps must occur before "Dead Hand" can be carried out. The first step is that Russian commanders must activate the system. Then there must be a total communications cut off. Finally, sensors must indicate nuclear explosions in and around Moscow. Sounds like a system of pure genius. But remember, that's Russian genius, so its not saying much. "Dead Hand" is more sophisticated than the original Russian emergency launch system, "Mother Russia." With "Mother Russia," an early Global Position System (G.P.S.) would track the airspace for enemy war heads. If the G.P.S. picked up incoming war heads and electrical impulse would be sent to a hammer that would swing down pounding a group of springs. This would then send a sickle flying down cutting through a string, which is attached at one end to a small bar and at the other to a cork. The force of the sickle's motion would be so great as to pull the cork of of a bottle releasing a steady flow of Vodka into a glass. The glass sits ontop of a scale. The Vodka continues to pour into the glass, eventually reaching a predetermined weight. Once the weight of the glass and Vodka reach this weight, a microprocessor will send out a signal to a computer which will in turn launch the entire Russian nuclear arsenal. The "Mother Russia" system, by eliminating the necessary presence of Russian commanders and computer geeks, allowed those very same Russian commanders to enjoy a last glass of Vodka on planet earth. And then another. And another. KABOOM! Their dead.

The Soviet Union decommissioned "Mother Russia" in favor of the "Dead Hand" system for safety reasons, and because they didn't want to see good Vodka go to waste if the whole world was about to end. Because of the millennium "bug" however, "Dead Hand's" weaknesses have also been revealed. If Russian commanders decide to activate "Dead Hand" on or before New Years Eve then the first step is complete. Then the year 2000 arrives shutting down the Russian communications. Step two is complete. Finally, Y2K bugs put out incorrect information, falsely informing the system that Moscow had been under attack. The entire Russian nuclear arsenal is launched, and the world is over. So the "Dead Hand" is only good for beating off the "Dead Cock."

Many Americans are surprised and even shocked to hear many Russian people are not concerned about possible Y2K problems such as water and energy shortages. But Americans must remember that this is a country accustomed to dealing with water supply breaks, power outages, dead phone lines, and transportation problems on a regular basis. Plus, they're drunk. Russians laugh at how Americans, particularly Southern Californians, get into a panic frenzy if a rain storm is headed their way. "They run like sissies into their GAP!" said one Russian we interviewed.

Russian President Boris Yeltsin didn't address the possible Y2K problems until June when he "instructed" government agencies to make preventive and contingency planning a priority. Yeltsin then returned to his home where he continues to be in a drunken stupor. Alexander Manoshkin, the man left in charge of coordinating the Russian government's Y2K commission, says each agency, each with limited funds, must use its own limited funds to address its Y2K problems with limited funds. Officials in the Russian federal government say the government will find additional money for the Security and Defense ministries. No they won't. The Security and Defense ministries are responsible for domestic and international security issues, as well as Russia's nuclear weapons.

Trying to attract customers, a Moscow warehouse (not the music store Americans) advertised its Y2K readiness. However, the owners of the warehouse had not purchased backup generators to keep the refrigeration operating if there is a Y2K blackout. The owners responded to this problem by saying "No Problem," keeping in mind that the average temperature is,...really fucking cold in the Moscow January. "We'll just open the doors." Oh my, oh my, oh my. Thank God for Russian intelligence.

United States and Russian governments have been trying for some time to come to an agreement on a plan to prevent an accidental nuclear war at the stroke of the new millennium. The agreement will place U.S. and Russian generals and admirals, as well as U.S. and Russian nuclear weapons officers in a command center in Colorado. Scheduled to go into operation on December 27, the Center for Y2K Strategic Stability aims to eliminate any possibility of Russians thinking an American attack is under way if their early warning computer systems crash, or malfunction as a result of the Y2K "bug." Russians will bring the Vodka, and American military officers, most of which grew up in the backwater hick towns of the South, will bring the whiskey. It will be a grand New Years full of homosexual overtones.

In conclusion. Is there really a conclusion warranted here? Well, ok, I shall bullshit this........................................................................................................Ok, nevermind. I'm gonna get drunk now.

Like the rest of the world, Russia faces Year Two-Thousand "bug" problems. The rest of the world however, particularly the United States, seems to have grave concerns for Russia's Y2K situation. Many feel that the Russian government has not done enough to prepare their country of 150 million for the changeover to the year 2000. Fears range from simple power outages to accidental launch of Russian warheads. Whatever happens, the Russians are fucked.

Some of the problems that face Russia, and the rest of the world, as it turns over to the next millennium include: food, energy, and water shortages, telecommunications and machinery shutdowns, nuclear reactor meltdowns, and the possibility of an accidental nuclear war.

The worries are small among Russian officials that any of the countries nuclear reactors will fail when the clock strikes midnight on January 1st, 2000. One Russian interviewed by D.M.S. felt differently. Wishing to remain nameless, this Russian was a victim of the 1986 nuclear reactor explosion in Chernobyl, the worlds worst civil nuclear disaster. "My hands are gigantic. My balls da size of basketballs. Them son-of-bitch wreck my life! Moderfuckers. I can't sleep, I glow all night long. My huge testicles and I have revenge on dem mother bastards." said the Russian (in a thick Russian accent).

Another possible scenario comes form a Russian system that was unknown to the West until 1993. The Perimeter "Dead Hand" system was designed to automatically launch the entire Russian nuclear arsenal if Moscow was destroyed. Three steps must occur before "Dead Hand" can be carried out. The first step is that Russian commanders must activate the system. Then there must be a total communications cut off. Finally, sensors must indicate nuclear explosions in and around Moscow. Sounds like a system of pure genius. But remember, that's Russian genius, so its not saying much. "Dead Hand" is more sophisticated than the original Russian emergency launch system, "Mother Russia." With "Mother Russia," an early Global Position System (G.P.S.) would track the airspace for enemy war heads. If the G.P.S. picked up incoming war heads and electrical impulse would be sent to a hammer that would swing down pounding a group of springs. This would then send a sickle flying down cutting through a string, which is attached at one end to a small bar and at the other to a cork. The force of the sickle's motion would be so great as to pull the cork of of a bottle releasing a steady flow of Vodka into a glass. The glass sits ontop of a scale. The Vodka continues to pour into the glass, eventually reaching a predetermined weight. Once the weight of the glass and Vodka reach this weight, a microprocessor will send out a signal to a computer which will in turn launch the entire Russian nuclear arsenal. The "Mother Russia" system, by eliminating the necessary presence of Russian commanders and computer geeks, allowed those very same Russian commanders to enjoy a last glass of Vodka on planet earth. And then another. And another. KABOOM! Their dead.

The Soviet Union decommissioned "Mother Russia" in favor of the "Dead Hand" system for safety reasons, and because they didn't want to see good Vodka go to waste if the whole world was about to end. Because of the millennium "bug" however, "Dead Hand's" weaknesses have also been revealed. If Russian commanders decide to activate "Dead Hand" on or before New Years Eve then the first step is complete. Then the year 2000 arrives shutting down the Russian communications. Step two is complete. Finally, Y2K bugs put out incorrect information, falsely informing the system that Moscow had been under attack. The entire Russian nuclear arsenal is launched, and the world is over. So the "Dead Hand" is only good for beating off the "Dead Cock."

Many Americans are surprised and even shocked to hear many Russian people are not concerned about possible Y2K problems such as water and energy shortages. But Americans must remember that this is a country accustomed to dealing with water supply breaks, power outages, dead phone lines, and transportation problems on a regular basis. Plus, they're drunk. Russians laugh at how Americans, particularly Southern Californians, get into a panic frenzy if a rain storm is headed their way. "They run like sissies into their GAP!" said one Russian we interviewed.

Russian President Boris Yeltsin didn't address the possible Y2K problems until June when he "instructed" government agencies to make preventive and contingency planning a priority. Yeltsin then returned to his home where he continues to be in a drunken stupor. Alexander Manoshkin, the man left in charge of coordinating the Russian government's Y2K commission, says each agency, each with limited funds, must use its own limited funds to address its Y2K problems with limited funds. Officials in the Russian federal government say the government will find additional money for the Security and Defense ministries. No they won't. The Security and Defense ministries are responsible for domestic and international security issues, as well as Russia's nuclear weapons.

Trying to attract customers, a Moscow warehouse (not the music store Americans) advertised its Y2K readiness. However, the owners of the warehouse had not purchased backup generators to keep the refrigeration operating if there is a Y2K blackout. The owners responded to this problem by saying "No Problem," keeping in mind that the average temperature is,...really fucking cold in the Moscow January. "We'll just open the doors." Oh my, oh my, oh my. Thank God for Russian intelligence.

United States and Russian governments have been trying for some time to come to an agreement on a plan to prevent an accidental nuclear war at the stroke of the new millennium. The agreement will place U.S. and Russian generals and admirals, as well as U.S. and Russian nuclear weapons officers in a command center in Colorado. Scheduled to go into operation on December 27, the Center for Y2K Strategic Stability aims to eliminate any possibility of Russians thinking an American attack is under way if their early warning computer systems crash, or malfunction as a result of the Y2K "bug." Russians will bring the Vodka, and American military officers, most of which grew up in the backwater hick towns of the South, will bring the whiskey. It will be a grand New Years full of homosexual overtones.

In conclusion. Is there really a conclusion warranted here? Well, ok, I shall bullshit this........................................................................................................Ok, nevermind. I'm gonna get drunk now.